yo dude i was totally schwabbin last night.
what does that even mean?
you ever see those charles schwabb commercials, where the people are like half cartoon half real.... well yeah i saw that in real life.
Sarah Palin just quit. Happy Independence day!
God Bless America!
It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
it took you forty minutes to realize it was a gay bar.
Yeah. I was about to call 911 but I ended up breaking the door frame off then ran and puked all the way home.
Xanax and an ambien. And wine. I'm just waiting for mouth to mouth from some hot EMT. Sort of like the slutty girls version of sleeping beauty
As a Chick-Fil-A employee, I think you'd appreciate the visual of me almost accidentally pulling out my wallet with a thong hooked on it as I payed for my waffle fries just now.
When we tried to make a video I set the camera to 3sec pictures accidentally so instead of a movie we have a flipbook of our sex.
Because I was drunk or stoned for 4 days. I either made terrible decisions or none at all.
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
So... I may have accidentally just sat on a strip of a home waxing kit.. naked... Assistance is definitely needed....
He started praying immediately after we hooked up, condom on and everything.
I am real keen for none of this to be taken out of context so let’s just shut it down right now
My purse is full of condoms and money.
I like where this is going...
drunkkkkk be here I heart you
Randomize
