I met the friendliest cop last night
we were so desperate we resorted to lego blocks. nuff said.
Wait wait wait. I remember riding in her car to the next bar. On your lap. With my head on the dashboard. That probably should have been my cut off point.
they need to invent a card that reads "thanks for all those boners you gave me that you did NOTHING about"
She hash-tagged my name. I think it's safe to say that she remembers our hookup.
I just wanna say I did some math and I lasted 1,052,000 more minutes than you at the bar before I got kicked out. That's 729 days. Bitch
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
Dad's already had 6 Zionist conspiracy rants and moms trying to detect any "dark energies" in my soul. You have 4 days before you return to this shit: ENJOY THEM
I'm worried my dog collar isn't going to come in time. I might be trying on dog collars at PetSmart next week. That could get awkward.
We’ve discussed sex and dinner. Like chicken nuggets while doing it doggie and watching tv.
I still dont see how i drunkenly impressed your mom
My last Google search was 'can an impotent man have sex'. I don't even want to know what I did with that guy.
i have a serious question for you... Why I am i not wearing any pants?
i just woke up in my dog's bed, on my parents floor, my outfit on backwards, and a bottle of lube poured down my pocket.
Can you recommend a quality dick? I haven’t had a good sexing in a while
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