Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
Poopin on the sidewaaalllkkk. I wish my text told you that was a song
You know you have a great job when you need a DD home from work at 6pm.
I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
Even after projectile vomiting watermelon on the beach, it still sounds appetizing.
As soon as he lost the election, the reception's open bar became a cash bar. I have never been so disappointed in my countrymen.
As he was under the stripper backwards, he yelled "we should totally be facebook friends"
We stuck the straw in the bourbon as a joke, you saw it as a challenge.
Actually, you don't want to see me.. reached an all time low drinking kahlua out of the bottle concealed in a macdonalds bag
you took a potato out of your pocket and just started eating it raw. don't know where the potato came from though
21st birthday = success
I was so drugged up it was amazing, I felt like a dinosaur "because I enjoyed spinach, and I got apple juice and only dinosaurs get apple juice" according to me the day of, and last night I felt like a rocket ship
The night went downhill when he took his pants off at our table and walked up to women saying "Special delivery"
I come from a long history of big boobed German, Swedish, and Irish women. And then there's me. Mother nature was like "Naaaaaaah."
She's in labor and I'm doing shots. Whose the real winner here?
Shit. My boss is having me meet and greet with the new doc upstairs. Do you think his doctor powers will detect that I'm still high?
Randomize
