I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
When you're on the hood of a car, 10 mph feels pretty fucking fast.
Well the party says they're going to have three kegs and four trampolines. I think I'm going to invite my EMT buddies just to be safe.
so i say "rick dont build that sandcastle" and he "says ok i wont" then i wake up and its sandcastle fucking city all over my apartment
He made off the wall shots in beer pong, stuck the girls dog in a cooler, and played with swords with her mom. I wish I got his name
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Her stepmother interrupted our sex to tell her it was midnight and she wanted to do a sympathy shot for her 50th.
Don't break up.
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
I like to balance the number of cups of coffee to bong rips in the morning before work.
I'm gonna drop in for a zip later man. It made me wanna eat my girls shampoo. Good shit
It is officially Christmas time in Chicago. There's a drunk hobo on the CTA singing the first 2 lines of Frosty the Snowman over and over and over.
YOUR DICK HAS BEEN IN ME I DO NOT WANT TO BE SET UP TO MEET YOUR FRIENDS
He texted me "sup", so I sent him that gif of the surprised guy and apparently it offended him
Omg I just woke up in his bed.. I'm fully clothed and he is naked. I'm so confused.
I'm getting reacquainted with drunk me. She has grown up a lot.
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