Thanks again for letting me crash last nite. Sorry I banged your little brother.
I was totally willing to let her keep giving me blowjobs as long as she didn't think we were in a relationship.
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
well judging by the amount of dired blood around my nipple rings i'm gonna assume it was a good night
I thought we agreed, no more super glueing action figures to my dick
Great. My funeral dress now smells of smoke and disappointing sex.
This is a test of Andrews drunk texting, had this been an actual drunk text, all the words would be spelled incorrectly and would be missing key verbs and nouns, followed by a request to not get fired.
Had to. She was getting married in 2 days & her vag was having a close out sale. You know I love a good bargain.
I may or may not have just sent the bartender a pic of me in my slutty cheerleader costume with the caption "rah rah ree, gimme yo d"
I gave up on alcohol forever for like 2 hours, that's got to be a new record
True idk how my parents didn't know I was blackout. I ate like 4 pieces of cheesecake and showed my cousins my boobs
People spilled so much that there was a thin film of beer on the floor. You took a running start, screamed, "SLIP AND SLIDE!" and slid face first through the drywall.
tonight at the bar some people told me that I have a sprit following me around.. that's the kind of shit that you laugh off till you're home alone.
We got stoned and took selfies with the most perfect lawn
YOUR MANICOTTI IS FULL OF LIES
Sorry i meant to send that to my mom
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