Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
How many times do you have to sleep with a guy before you get him to kiss you???
do people in england often walk their sheep on leashes? or is this guy the exception to the rule?
Please talk me out of ordering the stripper pole for a dollar. Please.
As hard as i've been partying lately their gonna have to revoke my organ donor status
After they flagged you, you hid in a bathroom stall and text me to bring you more shots. That kind of drunk.
Had to belly crawl across the floor to the toilet with my eyes closed to puke my life out without making my hangover worse. Three times.
He's in a nude suit, bald, with a pink headband and a black sharpie streak down his forehead.
If I die, let him know that his penis was the last penis I saw. And I'm happy about that.
I got a 5 dollar bill, 1 condom, and no alcohol. I get payed on Thursday. Let's do this shit.
So apparently I initiate sex in my sleep
I fell asleep while eating jimmy johns last night and then woke up at 5am and continued to eat it
now to finish some work and then i think i'll work out. or garden. or at the very least I'll continue eating frozen grapes and take more drugs
Being an adult can't be all bad. I just took a vacation day solely to sit around and get stoned
Our orgasm ration was 1:45. No. Fucking. Joke. I thought I was going to die.
Randomize
