He's so far in the closet he's in Narnia
Her little brother was home, so we had to hook up while playing hide and seek with him
just watched an entire episode so you think you can dance for head. so wasn't worth it
I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
So Ive decided I have serious issues. Im walking around the school with a bag labeled booze money collecting from people while slightly hungover at 8:20 in the morning, and nobody is questioning me.
I'm actually agreeing with glenn beck. What the FUCK was in that margarita?!
Don't worry we found her. Somehow she ended up on my roof with 2 bar stools
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
Just got home and found him passed out with his ass stuck in a Rubbermaid garbage can. He must have been like that for a few hours
Normally I would go for him, but there's just way too much vodka under the bridge for that
I'd probably lick every tooth in Carly Rae Jepson's fucking mouth.
Teen Choice Awards are on if your wondering.
Just walked past the field playing Jesus music with a fanny pack full of condoms and beer. Happy Sunday.
Instead of asking him how many women he's slept with I just got straight to the point and asked how many Plan B pills he's purchased
You keep making the old jokes & I'm gonna come down with a sudden case of low-estrogen related vaginal dryness..
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
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