god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
How you know a guy is gay: they say they would want money, not sexual favors, from emma watson
so how much must it suck for him to know that the penis of his best man has been in his wife's mouth before?
I love how my brain works. It's like being on drugs without the costly upkeep.
She slept with 4 other guys since we went on a break. And her ex. But apparently she hasn't given any bjs out of respect for me. Why does that comfort me?!
I'm drinking screwdrivers in the pool naked. Call 911 if I don't check in regularly
at one point i was feeding a guy sour cream chips and he made me make the "choo choo" noise as they were going in. \ni feel so much closer to him now.\n
He taught me where the gears in a five speed are with his penis.
My reasons for going are selfish. She just opened her own law firm. I figure having a lawyer as a friend is a good idea. Nothing in my life suggests I won't need a lawyer again.
I was smelling my bathroom to make sure it didn't reek of weed...I spaced out and realized I was face to the wall sniffing it for 5 minutes.
If we don't rescue him from the fat chick soon, she is going to eat him alive and suck the marrow from his bones.
It's like weed even makes my glasses better. Everything is so bright and clear and beautiful!
When did we go from stumbling drunk into an ER at 3am to dinner double dating?
Omg my orgasm just made the fucking sun come out. Clearly my libido controls the weather now.
I'm too drunk to make ramen. What the fuck is this.
Randomize
