I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
I just remember taking her cat for a walk around 3 am then falling asleep in a slide at the park
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Now he's lighting his socks on fire
Breaking a step ladder over someone's back turned into a really fun game, way too quickly.
god, I have more takeout restaurants in my contacts than friends
So I definitely fucked a guy while holding on to his pigtails like reigns last night.
The most literal cowgirl position ever.
The cops wrote boobs in the police report. ...vandalism is our calling
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The only joy I have here is being able to shit with the door open.
Come camping we have xanax and steaks
I honestly just wanna put my face in her tits and disappear from this plane of existence
he's drunk and referred to his shoes as foot condoms
yeah, last night we handcuffed you and you started crying saying that you weren't a bad person
I may have made out with your roommate and your cousin tonight. In my defense I thought both of them were your cousin.
Randomize