tfor prom could you pick me up wo bottles of champagne and a condom, please?
I can't tell whether I'm throwing up blood or licorice.
u think ur still drunk from last night? i just put the eggs in the freezer and the remote in the sink. I don't wanna fucking hear it.
What part of "you pissed in the tent" do you not understand?
So my girlfriend used a threesome to tell me she wanted to leave me for a girl... Not entirely sure how I should feel about that.
Dude they have your information. Come back. The sheriffs office is here, they are pissed..please come back otherwise jail is inevitable. Call me
You just handed me your ATM card and wrote your PIN number on a dollar bill and said "for bail money."
I have invented a new sport: freshman-watching. I'm sitting on our porch literally dying watching the freshmen run around trying to find parties
I Have a huge scrape on my knee and I need a better excuse than dry humping on a park bench...
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
You did a cartwheel, it was terrible.
I remember that cartwheel, it was okay.
He came over and fucked me while my conference call was on mute. Working from home is the best.
i'm 99% sure they had an orgy while i was passed out
You have to give it to him that he fucked me out of the dull weekdays.
Idk I think he's weird but he's also from Wisconsin so that might have something to do with it.
Randomize
