She made the grapes disappear! ALL OF THEM!!!
my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
I was being carried out of the bar, but then my friend saw Pat who just got kicked out scaling the wall to sneak back in, so he carried me back in, sat me on the bar stool, and the bartender just let us all keep drinking.
Being persistent has its perks my friend.
So... I just got back from the chiropractor... And he said I have a slight neck injury from head banging too much. Fuck yes.
i need a new camera phone. my pictures from last night are as blurry as my memories. and neither tell me why i woke up in an airplane hangar.
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
It's not fair. Guys with dicks that huge should not be allowed to be catholic.
how much ball-pain constitutes an emergency?
Is it true if I say your name three times, you'll appear and whore everything up?
no. i discovered the *exact* amount of drugs i need to do to understand calculus.
Those tiny little fruit fly looking mofos. They fly past the phone and I grabbed them like Daniel-San
I fell in the river last night. The allegheny to be exact. Omg getting drunk at work gatherings is dangerous
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
I feel like I might be the only person I know who eats bundles of radishes in-between orgasms from their vibrator.
Add tweezing eyebrows to the list of things not to do while on adderol....
Randomize
