Tequila shots with cinnamon and orange write it down before I forget
Second wave of rafting ended in a concussion. Don't worry though, the paramedic says it's still not considered a DUI.
Before you even think your day was worse than mine, I had to disinfect and and stitch another dude's penis after his prince Albert got ripped out by an angry chick.
You. Me. Frosting and a bed. Lets do this.
Bro my mom is in for two days and you can't even hold back on the drinking she said as she left i hope he doesn't always pee his pants and he is sure popular with the girls wtf
I'm drawing the line at your vagina. I will not accompany you to get that pierced and/or tattooed. There's got to be some mystery to our relationship.
There's "red head", "preppy white girl" and "the two Asians I dated and now everyone thinks I like Asians"
Your dating history is like the united colors of Benetton
She showed up after 3 hours and proceded to make us all feel like resonable human beings. I dont know how she did it but she did it.
Have you ever been up at one in the morning and thought to yourself, "I do not know nearly enough about penguin reproduction"?
I didn't know I was invited to an orgy.
it's the international house of making me almost fucking shit myself
I had cheese pancakes which is pretty much just melting cheese in a frying pan and then eating it except youre in denial that your life is a wreck
I DIDN'T WATCH THE PILLSBURY DOUGH BOY PORN!!!!
Let me just get through this whole court subpoena thing and then ill go back to buying alcohol for minors.
I offered to go down on her because of how impressive her theatre career was. Stop letting me talk to lesbians.
Randomize
