Just TALKING to him is better than banging my bf, imagine what actual banging will be like.
I think it was you who decided that coming home at 3AM and cooking eggs topless was the best way to end our night. Eating the scrambled eggs off each other's boobs, that was ellie's idea
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
Word is he has some crazy hawaiian STD
He still hasn't made a move, so I slept with his brother last weekend. Maybe sibling rivalry will motivate........
And by "got a tattoo" i mean i got a tattoo in the dorm bathrooms with a guy using his cousin's tattoo gun.
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
IT'S LIKE SHE TAKES SECRET KUNG FU CUNT LESSONS AND THEN BRUCE LEES ALL OVER EVERYONE.
I just farted in the bathroom and the guy in the stall next to me started gagging. Its a beauitful day
Do you still speak french? one of two girls I woke up with only speaks french...
No I have an idea, I saw you running through the neighborhood at 3am while I searched for my flip flops in a ditch
you were so blacked last night that you jumped in the lake fully clothed, then just went back to the bar and walked around like you weren't soaking wet.
I was stretching naked in the middle of my room singing "Somewhere Over the Rainbow", apparently this is what I do when I'm high and the wifi goes out
I was alternating between saying "yall need Jesus" and "God bless" the entire night
That's why we have robots to masturbate for us
Randomize
