There is an asian family here, I heard the mom call her son onyong
Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
I just found your credit card inside the bag of chips
Last night I walked out of the bar got in a cab asked the cabi to circle the block. he did and brought me right back to the bar. I paid him $7 thanked him and walked back into the bar.
I just remember getting him back by licking the window on his truck.
I turned down free cocaine. I both respect and regret and that decision.
I think I'm going to wait until after Halloween to call off the wedding. No need to ruin my favorite holiday.
she was in the bathroom washing her eye makeup off with hand sanitizer.
stuck in a tree...bring a ladder. also my arm might be broken. no questions are allowed.
At least you get to smell pizza at your job. I just smell despair all day long.
According to facebook, I opened up a can of whupass on some douche who poured all the vodka on the ground.
You called the wrong number but I salute you.
I woke up this morning to find my closet lacking 98% of my clothes and a text from my male roommate saying your dresses squeeze my genitals
He said he’s shouting let’s get this bread the first time we have sex...
He’s very straightforward
You're my best friend, so I'm kinda scared to say this, but.....I kinda feel odd when I show up with you at your family events and I have banged or blown at least 3 people in the room
I just woke up naked in a bed with your brother. WHAT THE HELL HAPPENED TO NOT LETTING EACH OTHER DO STUPID THINGS?
You fucked my brother?!
Randomize
