yeah that pretty much nipped itself in the bud when I realized i could see her whiteheads glowing in the blacklight
I found a knife in my bed when I got back this morning. I think one of my roommates has it in for me
Sometimes I worry for your future but then I remember how big your boobs are.
So there I was.....spitting on my goldfish just to keep it alive.
the beer staff turned into a beer spear way to quickly
You kept screaming how great you were at drawing poptarts and you insisted on drawing them all over my forearm
Oh, I'm just lighting tennis balls and WD-40 on fire, what are YOUUU doing?!
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
the girl peeing in the stall next to mine has really cute shoes. on a scale of 1 to restraining order, how weird would it be to compliment them from in here?
Ok here's the state of the situation: We're alone in a strange city with strange people with nothing but alcohol and sprite, I think we're gonna make it.
Banged my ex-wife last night...so I belong to that club now.
How do I carry myself in a way that says "I swallow"?
you just rode your bike home from a one night stand in a stolen skirt with no underwear and you're telling ME to reevaluate life choices?!
Haha idk you were stealing pizza dough at dominos
Have you ever seen death before? Bc it's me right now in yesterday's clothes.
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