dude...i just woke up in ****'s bed!
doesn't he have a girlfriend???
yeah...who do you think woke us up...
I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
I think the universe is against us being together. Or maybe it's just god's way of telling me there is a bigger dick out there for me.
I just convinced a girl to drink my spit cup cuz I said it was dark beer and would get her drunk faster. I dare you to try something better.
He's been dead since March and more people write on his wall than mine.
I've been watching too much manswers. Cuz i know scissoring doesn't work on a motorcycle.
The druken crowd just broke into singing "God Bless America" while waiting the newlyweds to get in the limo. My friend is eating rose petals.
Just saw you drinking out of a flask on national tv. I've never been more proud of you
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
Sorry i vommed in a cup next to u w out warning.. Actually im not that sorry cuz i didn't spill a drop LIKE A PRO
I haven't had to masterbate since I started dating him over a year ago. I don't even know if I remember how and my vagina is calling.
I'm in your room because it's a safe space. Is it ok to pee in here?
Went out with the family last night and some 40 yr old lady wanted to take me home. My mom was not happy with me
Every guy I've ever fucked is single right now
Pray for me
I'm noticing I drink less and do fewer lines when I do both together.
Now that's what I call smart money management.
Randomize
