i hope when i become a housewife i'm more of a gretchen and less of a vicky
"I could never have "feelings" for someone who, at one point, wanted to "hate fuck" my face."
Your friends turned off our power in the basement and when we went to turn it back on I got sprayed in the face with a fire extinguisher. FYI.
im that hungover where parking at red lights has to be done
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
he told me to take care of him and then he asked me to walk him to his hotel. I already have a pussy. I don't need another one
Sitting in my car feasting on the spoils of Taco Bell as Donna Lewis croons "I love you, always forever." A more perfect moment will never exist.
You blacked out at 9:30 and insisted on sleeping in the hallway after you chugged an entire pitcher of beer. I guess the Jell-O shots were stronger than we thought...
He sent me a 2am email the just said "Ping". Nerdiest booty call ever.
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I biked home blackout drunk last night, but I have some memory of throwing my bike in a rage when I couldnt get it down the stairs. No idea on the bright orange puke in the sink.
At one point I was counting his nipple hairs to calm myself down.
You threw away your W2 to make more room in your purse for liquor.
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
I a very close black and white picture of my slightly erect penis and I blew it up put it in an art gallery for a show coming up and somebody bought it for 30 Grand!!!
That's the 3rd negative pregnancy test this month. I'm on a roll.
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