I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
was it more than 30 minutes?
ya
then you're in a relationship
Just found two Xanax on the floor at the tanning bed. And yes, Im taking them...looks like going to get cancer is paying off
i left him drunk and in the fetal postion in the shower.
was the water running?
yeah but he said he knows how to swim
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
you inspire me to be a worse person
Awkwardly walking by your fuck buddy and waving a casual hi in his direction like nothing has happened is probably the best thing in my life
It was going alright when lo and behold Tom the cock blocking tornado hits. He is the only man I know who doesn't want anyone to fuck girls.
Only you could make a stripper uncomfortable by eye fucking her too much.
He literally said I should watch game of thrones while I was blowing him like is this the conversation you want to be having right now
I just smoked a bowl alone and took my Zyrtec here's to a full night.
I didn't know how wild the party was going to be until one girl brought her pet raccoon
I think you're my feminist conscience sometimes.
Potholders are an underrated garment. Especially naked.
Ya can’t just go throwing accusations around about someone pooping their pants without some hard evidence
Randomize
