just taught 3 girls from korea how to fist pump on chat roulette.
Just deleted any ex boyfriends and potential lovers from my phone in preparation for Vegas...
I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
he asked you how you felt and you yelled "I FEEL SO PROACTIVE!" and started coloring with sharpies
being a senior sucks, I just started embracing my inner slutty college girl, and it's almost time to put her away...for like, ever. and i really like her.
I honestly think the worst part about the night is they just kicked us out of the park and we didn't even get to go into Disneyland Jail
I wish i could just live off of margaritas and good sex.
I thought adderall would sober me up, but it did NOT.
All I remember is sitting on your kitchen floor and playing with a banana like it was a viking ship.
Three Asian guys got on the elevator with a handle of Hennessey and a sleeping bag. This is not the start of a joke.
I bet your mom's never met a girl who's thrown up at the presidential inauguration before though.
what happened last night?
we watched you eat an entire bag of dorritos in the pouring rain... you refused to come inside
I got so tired of my roommates fucking in the tub I took a shit in it. Surprise!
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
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