I guess the cop knew i was on a walk of shame and felt bad...i got to play with the siren the rest of the way home
I want to tell you about my weekend in person so I can see your look of judgement and disgust.
the vast amounts of cleavage i'm sporting to my final says "no, I didn't study but don't worry I've got something lined up for when I don't graduate".
I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
this boner is fucking legendary. i should name it and celebrate its birthday every year
Best morning ever. I saw a bum giving another bum a blowjob downtown.
I think it might be brain cancer. Hangovers can't be this bad
I only think it appropriate to apologize for making out with your next boyfriend. It won't happen again.
I've figured out why I love winter sex. Because I make them leave the beanie on, and we all know I love a man in a beanie.
Maybe I'm nitpicking, but that looked more like how one would jerk off an elephant than it did playing air guitar.
Ah. Hot spring. Infinitely less skeevy than a hot tub. These North Carolinian dudes are all class.
I stopped for beer and woke up to a bird on my shoulder. I really need to stop drinking
We were 6 minutes into the movie before we realized the whole movie was spoken in Italian. That level of stupidly-ripped
He said that he had extra crunchy taquitos and wanted to go down on me.. I mean how could I say no?
Okay penises are actually pretty exciting. The people attached to them are an entirely different story
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