if your dad confronts the dude you fucked about the background check he did on him, NOT GONNA GET A CALL BACK
Guys who wear capris make me want to kill endangered species.
just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
somethin' about having sex in my parents bed makes me feel like l'm finally an adult.
he drunkenly pissed himself on the deck, in the bathroom, and on my couch within the span of an hour
its like an avodart commercial...maybe he has a growing problem
i robbed the continental breakfast last night
My eyes feel like they're throwing up and I am the only human on campus
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
You need Xanax blowdarts
I would use the term shit faced but I'm too polite for that
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
apparently when she asked me how drunk I was on a scale of 1-10, I answered "bitch I'm fabulous" and tried to do a sassy hairflip. but I have short hair.
Do you ever just feel the storm building inside of you that tells you you're ready for a giant indiscriminate fuckfest?
I NEED A MOM FRIEND. NOW.
I am so horny that I an legitimately concerned for your safety when I see you tonight.
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