Guess who has two thumbs, loves booze, and just dug half a handle of rumb out of a trash can in a freshmen dorm? This classy gentleman. Good day to you sir!
I wish I was that guy from the miller light commercials so I could walk into parties and take peoples beer without getting yelled at
So the weirdest part of it all was he whispered in my ear "can i eat you out on your tredmill?" I dont find him attractive at all anymore
come over, blizzard of oz party. dress up.
I'm just gonna ignore the fact that I have no pants on and find a way home. A good one-nighter never goes back for his pants.
ive penciled you in for a day of excessive drinking
My attorney has my name in her roldex as need to hit that. Im gonna win my case
Dude, it's not gay. It's winter.
I dnt think she needs convincing on the threesome part, it's the threesome with your roommate situation that needs some work
Thing I actually said tonight: "I want to achieve Ultimate level drunkenness, I'm only at Champion"
I gave him a blowjob to kill bill. 2 of my favorite things.
You were giving me all the reasons why being the big spoon is such a responsibility, and how you wish you were a girl cause the little spoon does nothing
Last night I actually told him I came with a washer and dryer
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
What the fuck was I thinking eating an entire tub of potato salad on acid. My stomach today bro
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