god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
stop calling my apartment porn island.
I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
You got off, kissed my dick and whispered "stay hard" to it, puked and then got right back on top of me like nothing happened...
It got a little outta hand when you wanted to do body shots on the table.. at Dennys.. at 4 AM.. with lemonade
he's dressed up as pikachu 3 fucking years in a row and gotten laid each time. i don't understand
how was it?
he was petting the bushes because they were "napkins"
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
So. Do you think marshmallow vodka in hot chocolate while eating a graham cracker would = s'mores?
In some strange universe, yes
Hows cali? I thought of you as I shaved 1/4 of my legs last night.
I told my mom I'm great in bed. That is quality mother daughter bonding.
He sent me a dick pic, and it had smeared lipstick on it. So I sent him the pic of my tit with the hickey ring your brother gave me.
every day is bullshit and fuck everyone. That's my motto for the week
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you
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