i was high and broke so i stole a roast chicken and a 40 inch sheet cake from wegmans and ate in a bathroom stall.
i think the fact that he graduated high school the year i graduated elementary school is sexy.
The only way im leaving this casino is in a golden chariot or an ambulance
Do you think he likes his girlfriend's moustache?
She wants her shit back. Clearly she missed the cheaters-get-their-shit-ritually-burned clause.
i just saw a guy carrying a medieval times commemerative glass filled with vomit.. there were 2 people cheering him from behind
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
This is the last pregnancy scare i've had since i was 12 and i thought you could get pregnant from masturbating.
I'm deleting all the photos of dicks off my phone. This relationship could be serious
130 PACKAGES of glow sticks! The going rate of a rave is $38.30! GET READY FOR THE GLORGY!!!!!!!!!!!!
Nothing like playing hide and seek with a state patrol officer early in the morning to get your heart rate up.
I'm actually kinda upset that we didn't consider velcro-ing detachable capes to our clothes before this moment.
I've washed my hands three times and it still smells like Astroglide.
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
Between falling off a shelf on to a concrete floor and sex with you - i may never walk again.
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