I just spent the past twenty minutes checking out a girl who turned out to be a mannequin. I need AA.
DO NOT FUCK HIM ON MY BEAN BAG CHAIR
Yo, if someone calls you asking for John Stamos, just go with it.
Can you come over to my place and make up for the crap you called sex yesterday?
Good morning to you
so I made out with a lobbyist last night. im officially a resident of D.C
I just washed champagne and tuna off my body. I feel like that was a successful shower.
Very hungover, bought a newspaper and found my shorts from last night in the machine.
Apparently one comment in my womens studies class cockblocks yourself for an entire semester.
do you have any idea how hard it is to keep a boner while another dude is writing on your dick in sharpie?
"you can only have my number if you answer all the questions on this trivial pursuit card correctly"
I have loved her ever since she went down on my first wife
I bet you there is porn for people who get off on someone rubbing Chipotle on themselves
Dude I just clenched/unclenched my hindquarters while looking in the mirror I have fucking talent
i just called dibs on the taxi driver at the bar that isnt drinking. im a grown up
I’m not lawful evil! I do evil things because I want to, not because of the law
Randomize
