it feels like my vag is blowing bubbles
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
Fist pumping is hard when country music is playing FYI but I am committed
My hand is eating my burrito and not saving any for my mouth. TRIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPINN!
please explain to me why there is a shopping cart in my living room.
Sorry about your blender, your tiolet, your weed, and your dog...
I'm eager to hear this explaination.
He told me that "my little fuckpig" was a term of endearment in Britain. I think I'm in love.
At the end of the white elephant exchange, our professor had a big black dildo around her neck and I won a full body dinosaur suit. I could die tomorrow with no regrets.
I haven't gotten it in awhile but since spring break is next week I'm willing to have a pregnancy scare if it means no bleeding through the suit
Yeah wouldn't want it to interfere with beach sex. Nothing should interfere with beach sex
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
I told you you to bring something to share....you brought tequila and a condom
We've been watching Scooby Doo and having sex for the past 36 hours, so life is great
Dude. I need you to practice dancing around in your banana hamock. Party boy style. I'll call later with details.
I had a sex with someone last night and I was so drunk. i told him to tell me his whole name so I can say it back to him in a "sexy" way.... Because I forgot it
I wanna get to the point where I can just send a question mark and get an exclamation point in response
Randomize
