I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
I just woke up and i'm wearing a cape and it says sup slut on my ass
I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
Excused from finishing the term project because my lab partner got arrested. For the second year in a row. Public school, I love you.
He went into the alley to piss and came back a minute later with a case of Bud Select. I'm speechless.
She gave me head while using a laptop on my stomach to go online. I've never seen a better feat of multitasking.
I'm never drinking with you again. I woke up in Midtown with a 7' tall Norwegian rugby player named Lexie. Never. Again.
Ugh he's so pretty though. He bit my face at the bar because I tried to steal his ID and I forgave him
Chang gave me a 1.5 gallon beer tasting cup, i have a new boyfriend with a huge stick, Members of the Irish Rugby team slapped my ass and cheered for firmness, and a couple of strangers are naming the child after me. Best. Weekend.Ever.
Why were you not born a dude?
Because god wanted to level the playing field
I'm eating lunchables with a glass of wine while I FaceTime the guy I lost my virginity to.
Reasons why I'm always right: I am older, I am wiser, I have a larger penis
11/10 would buy him a McLobster
If he doesn't get here soon I'm taking off my thong and eating his dinner.
As she came, she moaned Roll Tide. I kid you not.
Randomize
