I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
youre totally missing out on eating your boogers right now. my entire face is numb
I got it! After our exam we take shots for every question we skipped!!!
I don't wanna die...
I pulled out and her Nuva ring was around my dick... It was like I won a carnival game for adults... I asked her where my big stuffed bear was
you made your own hammock out of a towel and duct tape.
she refused to get out of the dog cage till we sang "be our guest" to her.
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
So the first 4 hours of my morning was equivalent to seeing under water. Things were starting to get better until I remember I drank mustard for free stuff and flossed my teeth with a strand of hair from a stranger in the bathroom.
I couldn't tell if they ere dancing or fucking but they won the costume contest
"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
He called me khaleesi while I rode his dick. He wins
If the smell of things stopped me from putting things in my mouth. I wouldn't be popular with Grindr guys.
This is a question I thought I'd never have to ask. How many hits of acid did you give your dad tonight?
come pick your gf up from my house. she's sitting in the fridge and hissing at the cat to let her eat the potatoes. btw i dont have a cat
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