Dude you can sell sperm for 100 to 250 bucks a time. And the best part is there will be kids all over the world that will have me as a daddy. It's like I'm jerking off my way into ruling the world
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
I'm now at that point where it just feels natural to do a few shots of whisky with breakfast and then head to work
Thanksgiving. This year's theme: I am thankful that I still have a liver.
The face that yo gabba gabba comes up when I'm stoned and searching for yoga workouts is scary or dangerous
They've already turned me into the Dean of Students once because they felt 'unsafe' because I came home hammered and asked one of them to make me a grilled cheese sandwich. Like, I just ASKED!
Omg one of the midgets from last night just added me to Facebook.
We had sex in the church bell tower and somehow it still feels right.
I don't know how that blunt survived being in your pocket all night but you pulled it out at 4 am in 7/11 and tried to fire it up. Zero fucks given
So I may have to sleep with a cougar to get a slightly used, yet free microwave. I'm going in
So... How much of our rent is drug money?
he offered me cocaine within 5 minutes of my arrival. yes of course i'm keeping him
Got caught peeing in public. Sucks. It was a police station. Sucks worse.
The REAL engagement ring is the jeweled butt plug.
There will be plenty of opportunity for me to sexualize Mike via VenMo.
Randomize
