Meh. I'll learn enough German to ask her for a handjob, then I'm out
You never cease to amaze me.
The world is my kaleidiscope. I see whatever the alcohol wants me to.
Remind me tomorrow that I was taking shots of burnetts in the subway line while placing my order
If you're knocked up, we're telling everyone it's mine and that the power of our love overcame the inherent reproductive limitations of two vhagines.
So high I started crying because I was proud of Snoop Dogg for becoming Snoop Lion
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
Red Alert: She has 3 cats, a parrot, and 2 rats. Initiate Protocol Zero and rendezvous at Checkpoint Bravo for debriefing
True strength comes from lack of pants
Shower wine is way better than shower beer.
Just cropdusted a little kid that wouldn't get out of my way in Kroger. Welcome to the real world bitch.
Riding your boyfriend's dick for an hour then waitressing for 8 hours. Would not recommend.
He asked me to come stay with him so he could "see that ass and watch Harry Potter."
Who brings a stripper home to ninja turtle bed sheets
Me and I got head
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
That's why we have robots to masturbate for us
Randomize
