Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
I want to drop kick Stephanie Meyer
you spelled her name wrong
not you too!!
please remember that your boobs are bigger than your sisters. when you borrow her shirts they stretch and then shes left flapping in the breeze. dont borrow her clothes anymore. love dad.
just took my temp. 103. i wonder how tylenol and jager bombs are gonna mix
Today's dinner table topic: the probablity of my dad turning gay if he ever left my mom.
Did everyone make it back alive?
You say that with such hope.
Is that a no?
We somehow managed to get the sumo-wrestler costume into the washing machine, but I don't think the cupcake icing completely came off... And it still smells like tequila.
I think the old lady next to me at the bar just saw your pussy
Annnnd I didn't even notice there is a guy dancing in a jock strap beside me. That explains girls smiling at me
Okay. This morning the comforter was wet, you were underwearless and using a tiny blanket. What'd you do??
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
You popped the Plan B pill then clapped twice, said "mischief managed" and headed tward the bar.
anyways, do you want to make more embarrassing memories that im bound to remind you about later and laugh about?
But really, what kind of hoe life adventure in Mexico would you do that would top me blowing a trucker?
Yes, the maid of honor did just deep throat the mic during the toast. How do I follow that?
Randomize
