I woke up to the bathroom door of steak n shake hitting me in the face at 4 in the morning...
im sitting in my room wearing my power rangers shirt watching a movie about a magical dragon. Ive totally forgotten what having a sex life is like.
Hey is it bad when your boss leans over your desk and tells you "you smell like the Rainforest Cafe"??
dude, i think we just came across a situation where tits weren't worth it.
His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format
The woman exiting the men's room tried convincing me she was actually a good-looking man.
holy fuck that shirt looks so good on him, it was like he was born with it on. that shirt deserves a blow
I don't want to ruin date night, but you have no idea how hard it is to poop whilst looking at cute puppies.
These girls just walked into this party as reverse cowgirls... Wearing cowboy clothes all backwards
his butt looks cute in my panties so i decided he has to wear panties all the time from now on.
Cleaned the whole house at 7:30 and after cleaning the bathroom I think I had cocaine on my sweatpants
Hey, how are you?
No. You're dead to me, you hamster stealing slutbag.
Rough day
Good thing I've started drinking again
Would you paint my ceiling for oral sex?
I really would enjoy sexual intercourse with you.
Most formal booty call EVER
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