I just put my retainer in and it tastes like weed
then she made me sanitize my hands before fingering her...i may have found my soulmate
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
she said "i got this" and then fell on her face. within grabbing distance of the wall and her boyfriend
It was kind of like a train wreck, except alcohol would have improved the situation greatly.
Food Network. Taking bong rips everytime we want to eat. BOBBY FLAY.
I got laid and laid off at a conference in long beach all on the same day
Eh. They balance each other out
Not drinking has really freed up a lot of my time. I made a bracelet yesterday. I miss bars.
Best compliment ever: Being told that you really understand sex by a professional. After she gave you a HANDJOB.
Oh, AND I met a ukulele teacher that I'd date. So there's that.
When nipples stop being hilarious I'll stop getting them out in public.
A dude I dated in high school just put a status about National Coming Out day. I checked his relationship status. He is dating a dude. Hello, Friday.
pray to the hookup gods
I'm trying to drink up the confidence to run in public.
dude the water is back on, you can stop shitting under the tree . . .
Randomize
