During sex he started singing that song in Forgetting Sarah Marshall--"Inside of You"--by Russell Brand
it was like she wanted to be a once a week night stand
I just got over my period in 3 days...I believe that is god's way of saying "go fuck an amazingly attractive Italian boy on vacation"
if tampons were more like dildos the world would be a better place
If a young child walked up to you and grabbed your penis, you'd feel violated too.
I found a horn on the street but it's okay I disinfected it with vodka
This Xanax laced vodka tonic will help me forget that all these spring breakers are all young enough to have been my students.
Wish i knew who the f is sending me pics of asian newborns.
Should we pre-order food to the ER for cinco de mayo?
I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.
Know your penis has been the topic of conversation over glasses of wine.
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
To get him to come she paid for his uber and promised that someone in the house would give him head. it worked
Im playing a game I have to take a drink every time my gram asks me the same question hammered by 4 guaranteed
You showed up at 4 am holding a beer and wearing a wig you apparently found in the dumpster.
That explains some things...
Randomize
