seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
We're gonna have to suck it up and start making out for free drinks. No homo. I'm watching Tyra "I kissed a girl and I got free drinks."
Let's do it. All homo
Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
Nope it's him. He's whispering to himself and buying asparagus.
Anyways, i'm off to play with a rubber dick and a ouija board with two other girls...
She passed out on the kitchen table with two mickeys forties duct taped to her hands. Clearly she is going to fit perfectly in your house this semester
I can't believe I've come to a point in my life where sex for a birthday present is acceptable
You proceeded to get into a playground school bus and yell "all aboard to Margaritaville!"
Fucking shoot me with this y'all shit. You were in Texas for 2months you do not have an accent Madonna
I guess "Ass Fun Friday" is not a thing no matter how many times I say it or bring it up in conversation...
I'm eating shredded cheese and chugging coke, until I can function again. I'm tingling everywhere
i just used a selfie stick to take an ass pic. i hate myself.
it was like reliving my childhood drunk at a bar.
I'm the one who said we should take things slow. I'm also the one who forced him into the back on my car so we could have sex.
The hangover struggle is to real, just passed the drive thru window. Twice.
Randomize
