just got a hand job during a movie in class today is gonna be great!
Yeah someone just put a trash bag that says "use protection" on the snow penis
oh my god. the driver of our party bus just said "no drugs unless you're sharin," my confidence in him is not high at the moment
Wanna go watch Transformers and scream "AMERICA!"? I need a no thought activity
Also, I threw up on the playground again. I've honestly had more fun there this past summer than I did in my entire childhood.
You crawled through a doggy door 5 times for a shot if cheap vodka.
I drink more single than I do in relationships. Except with assface.
You had your shirt off checking IDs at the door and you don't even work there
I don't care how sexy you think I look in my scrubs. Wanting a blow job is not a medical emergency.
So help my penis see only you. Give him some attention as well.
I feel like I should have backed off when "I love you" came out on the third date. Now I'm in her bed wondering which door my shrine is behind. Fuck.
He told me I smelled like peanut butter, pepperoni, and pure unbrieldled passion.
My walk of shame is starting to become positively reinforcing; I stop by Starbucks and when I leave I look someone just heading to work.
I blame everything on you. My broken heart, my fucked up liver and my twisted mind.
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
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