Holy wow, I found all the old poems u wrote me back when we were in looooooooove...just sort of wild to look back on, thought u'd like that
every time i send "do you want some cock" to her T9 manages to change it to "anal"...i think she's mad now
Flirting with the rich sleazy owner of the club: 1 way ticket to free sushi, drinks, and VIP passes. FUck! im better with older men than i am with babies and dogs
No mine's bigger. It just looks smaller because I'm drunk
I got a Cease & Desist email from NBC for downloading Bruno. I am not going down for gay porn.
we knew you were done when they played It's All Coming Back To Me Now by Celine Dion and you started crying
yep you were here saturday. if you woke up smelling like vanilla i can explain.
Why is there a condom in the dishwasher...
Two people confessed their love to me last night. Drunk is a good color on me
I'm pretty sure your ex of four years just had a baby with some kid and named it after you...
Thinking about wearing all black to the bar tonight since I'll be attending my liver's funeral.
I haven't answered because I haven't figured out a polite way of saying fuck no
WE JUST PASSED A FUCKING SPACE SHIP! NOT JOKING! A REAL FUCKING SPACE SHIP! THIS IS NOT THE DRUGS! SPACE! SHIP!
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
I need you to get the emergency bail money out if the stuffed panda and go to the police station tot bail me out. I should be there in 20 minutes.
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