Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
I'm in that akward stage between jailbait and cougar
Not me. I think "beastiality" sounds pretty classy.
I got into my dads silver toyota in the back seat to get picked up and 2 mins later I asked my dad when are we leaving, then an old mexican woman turned around. wrong toyota I'm guessing.
woke up with a sweatshirt on that said "someone special calls me grandma" and a sword. i'm just going to assume that it was a good night
U owe me five dollars for that paper towel you bet i wouldnt eat last night
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
Taking my underwear off at work was one of my better decisions this weekend
"you can only have my number if you answer all the questions on this trivial pursuit card correctly"
Are you on your way? Get your date and black out with me. Democracy's at stake.
leave me alone I'm becoming one with nature and doing plant things
Carver called his mom a milf again
Was it on purpose this time?
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
Woke up, bank account is empty. Sock is still full of blood. Nothing in my pockets but a wireless mic and jenga pieces.
Babe if there was a way to give a back rub and head at the same time that's what I would ask for my birthday, Christmas and of course right now. Please think about how and get back to me.
Randomize
