I have a new reason to go to work: I can tell which 3 of my coworkers are sisters just by looking at their butts.
I know its only noon but, Im too drunk to hold this baby...
I just got kidnapped by the rugby team for a scavenger hunt. I'm "the girl you had sex with last night"
You swear the intervention is for her? I've fallen for that one twice.
Excuse me but the alley way I wanted to fuck in happens to be a very nice clean area.
Some clips from last night: grinded like I haven't since college. Took shots with a bartender with a bad ass mustache. Made up a string of lies with fake names and occupations. Slept behind the couch with pizza in my hand
Also what is the name of Americas thing where we had a holy obligation to expand westward? I'm going name my new lighter that.
If I don't have hickies that last till tuesday, I didn't do this weekend right
She said pants are for pussies while spooning peanut butter onto her frosted flakes with a serving spoon. She's not even high yet.
He sent me a text from across the party that said "your sexy." I just couldn't.
Never in my life have I been so excited to nap as I am right now.
Who was that dick in the suit telling us to stop drinking?
The priest.
I was about to break it off with him because I realised he only wanted me for sex, until I realised that I only wanted HIM for sex. Win/win
My ovaries melted while we were talking. I almost told him I would suck his soul out through his dick
That would be a memorable parent teacher conference for sure
It’s awful. They need to open the bars. I’m now trolling grocery stores looking for dick
Randomize
