I love being friends with rich people. I get laid by association.
consequently i now know what mace tastes like
she was carrying the quesadilla around the bar like a security blanket
Its like after 6 beers, the clap doesn't scare me anymore.
well i did drunkenly flip his snowmobile going 90, so i can kind of see why hes mad
i was super drunk. to the point where i was putting shredded cheese on a fork, putting hot sauce on it then dipping it in salsa. it was awesome.
Drunk me thought he was hot enough to overlook the fact that he had poison ivy and still have sex with him. Sober me wants to know if you have any calamine lotion.
Also I fell in love w a girl dressed as a pirate that was great at doing the limbo
SIMBAAAA REMEBER WHO YOU ARE
You're the third person who's asked me for an afternoon blow connection in one day. Unreal.
That's more of a you-issue than a me-issue
she's a nursing student, i didn't think vomit would freak her out so much
you puked ON HER
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
I came in like 30 seconds, and my dog got to watch me take the walk of shame to the bathroom to clean up. All in all, not my best performance.
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
Get to the bar now. Ryan is single again and every skank on campus that has heard story about his dick is circling like a shark. A cock hungry shark
Randomize
