This bar is like a mediocre whore house....but free
You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
That's a really weird place to spoon. Especially if there are more accessible places to spoon. Like a bathtub.
iPhone photo doodle is awesome. I gave my vagina some lazers and sent it to him. He has a whole series waiting on his phone for when he gets off the plane.
I saw your arrest video on youtube. you look so thin!
there's another hole in my ceiling...someone fell through the attic this time....
Im surprised putting the throwing knife "dartboard" next to the door didnt end up worse
We're going to catch a squirrel this summer
I just want someone to shove bread from panera down my throat
You woke up, mumbled something about forgetting to lock the truck at work, slapped my ass, then passed out again...
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
She said her name is "Goose" and regardless of her being a lesbian, sometimes she just "needs a good dick"
I woke up just like any other Wednesday. Naked on the floor, hungover and covered head to toe in lube
Question: the touchscreen on my phone randomly quit working, do you think this could be a latent reaction from me peeing on my phone last weekend?
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
Randomize
