I don't care if he is my ex... I have the deed to his dick until someone else fucks him. We broke up 2 years ago.... I am still holding that deed!
Well ya in hindsight obviously offering the cop a jello shot was a bad idea
I walked in and she was kneeling on the ground with no pants on, throwing up, and holding the puppy. It was one of those moments, where i was like damn i wish i had my camera.
we spent fifteen minutes trying to convince you that you weren't locked inside of your car
It's tough not drinking when the bartender adds rum to your coke without telling you, and doesn't charge you
Just so you know, classy bitches change the morning after in a CVS bathroom.
My heart is swelling with pride right now. I fucking love you.
Do you remember doing synchronized hip thrusts to Michael Jackson? Probably one of my favorite parts of the night
Nothing like snapchatring dick pics to a\nMarried woman while your girlfriend destroys Taco Bell in the next room. Almost caught, worth it. Got boobs back
Dude I was tripping acid when she was crying and I literally couldn't defend myself
I love the smell of your bedroom. It smells of a mixture of cherries, leather, and unrequited homosexual desire.
If the smell of things stopped me from putting things in my mouth. I wouldn't be popular with Grindr guys.
I woke up to Dragon Ball Z playing in Portuguese and a donut shish-kebab~ed on a dick in my face.
i just got carded for condoms. wtf.....this is new. isnt safe sex a good thing?
On a scale of having tea with Ghandi to the apocalypse how bad of an idea is it to drink with a 100 degree fever?
Convinced if I was being murdered in my house no one would come and save me. If no one heard my 10000000 orgasms last night, there is no hope.
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