dont ever smoke after you drink again... i dont think ive ever seen...or heard of someone throwing up and farting at the same time. that is, if you were farting.
I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
There are thorn wounds on my balls, don't ever question my dedication to party again
you took him to the bathroom with you to pee and told him he had to hold your hand..but he couldn't turn on the lights because you didnt want him to hear you peeing..and still got laid. i wish i had your life.
I feel like none of my dresses scream slut the way I'd like them to
Martha Stewart has had a one night stand and is unsure if she's had a threesome. I no longer feel slutty.
For future reference. Do not congratulate the bar tender at oscars she is not pregnant she has just gotten fat u will get a shot thrown in your face
You're the only one to love me enough for me to admit the following: Rock-bottom sounds like sobbing to a Miley Cyrus song.
So, left this guys house wearing a #1 Grandpa shirt and I think this is the best sex score I've ever had.
New drinking game idea: Take a shot for every republican you see on facebook bitching about the ruling.
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
I refuse to go to a doctor for a sex injury, not when I've come so far already
Remind me to NEVER AGAIN mix beer with tequila with beer with whiskey with vodka with rum with vodka.
Beard. Chest hair. Job.
The holy trinity.
Yeah well I fucked my ex on a sink last night soooo booty calls for us all
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