3:40 am: you never wrote back on my facebook wall
I need to start cutting my cocaine with Plan B
We have had massive layoffs this year, yet the guy who cant flush his shit seems to still have a job
ive come to the point where weve hung out more times sober than drunk. i think im growing up. fuck.
Just called the bar: "hi this is the girl who you kicked out for excessive bleeding, do you happen to have my coat?"
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
There was a half eaten cheeseburger on my coffee table. Guess I made it to McDonald's.
As he walked by me and gave me his dreamy smile full of dimples all i could think was 'I gave you chlamydia'.
Asking the homeless man what buss shelter is the warmest was not a good idea
Great. Now I have to produce, edit and leak a sex tape before Saturday. Fundraising is hard.
I am literally drinking 7 day old water and looking for snacks in my room so I won't have to go in the hall and see roommate, because we accidentally banged last night. Please bring over some chicken and plan b.
We were looking everywhere for you and I finally found you in the closet talking to a build a bear.. So I gave you and myself another drink
are you watching the world series?
I've made out with alex bregman... so yes
I may or may not be drinking in a church parking lot.
Its one of those days... someone might die
Would a picture of my dick help?
Randomize
