we have pet lesbian snakes
So when jo picked me up from the bar I kept apologizing and kept telling her "I'm just a wittle donut"
fyi, take the long route to the library. the "can i be your baby daddy?" homeless man migrated back for winter
the plan is to continue having sex with all three of them until my birthday, and then once they've given me their presents, they can find out about each other.
We just passed a billboard that said to join "jerseydoesntstink.com" and literally 15 seconds later, we could smell jersey.
She was drinking straight whiskey out of her peacock shaped vase again.
Don't let her tell you any different. She licked the balls of my hamster for that $100. It was a group bet. She won.
I just used my glow stick from the dance to find my way in the bathroom to puke. Who wants me on their corporate team
You're on Grindr at the STD clinic. I love you.
I CAME HOME WITH MY NIPPLES PEIRCED! WE WERE CAMPING. IN THE MOUNTIANS. I DONT EVEN REMEMBER IT AT ALL.
I find it ironic...the gays are dying to get married & I just want a fucking divorce
It's 3 am and I'm buying cat food and batteries for my vibrator. Good thing I shaved my legs for this.
I completely forgot I gave up beer. But airports don't count. They're like international waters. No rules.
I'm going to make you a sign to put on your penis to ward others off
I'm glad I date someone who likes the simple things. Sex, kittens, and McDonald's.
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