my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
ok think of it like jelly beans. if you can learn to like the licorice ones, youll always have lots of them because no one else wants them. its the same with fat chicks
John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
Is it because I queefed?
We'll probably be arrested for having a cheetah in our apartment anyway, so I say go for it.
I just bedazzled my weight watchers points calculator. You can tell I'm gay.
Too drunk to talk to museum staff. So much for proper wednesdays
I feel like I'm full of double a batteries and cocaine.
I just want a sensitive guy who will get drunk with me then take me out to steal things. Is that too much to ask?
I just did the walk of shame..with a blanket and a cup that says i will out drink all you bitches. This was not how i pictured 25.
Not my type, but the penis looks fun.
Ryan friended me on LinkedIn and it took everything in my power not to endorse him for sexual dysfunction as a skill.
I cannot lay down. I will throw up my life and your life and the class hamster I had in third grade.
I'm pretty sure I hallucinated the existence of an entire human being last night.
Randomize
