I'm lit.While shaving my legs I pretended the razor was a tractor cutting down corn. Noises included.
they just tried to tell me they weren't big into drugs. A) it was the 70's. B) I've seen the pictures.
you'll be glad to know I got kicked off the microphone at a bar in Breckenridge last night thanks to my country rendition of all star
i don't think it's normal to still be missing spring break.
How do people deal with hangovers? I literally want to eat my own face.
Its important to me that you know there is a tambourine down my pants.
The sad thing is; I'm getting used to walking around feeling like I could hurl at any minute.
Hey, I shot that toilet dead center, drunk, from at least 6 ft away. I'm a fuckin awesome shot. You guys were completely safe.
Yes, that toilet won't be hurting anyone anymore.... Hahaha
I think I'm making a tradition of going to every funeral with at least one sex-related bruise. I don't know how this happened.
I can't. Currently naked covered in Nair trying desperately to catch his cat that rubbed up on my leg.
I hate that cat.
Pride is not for the college student young Padawan. Tequila is for the college student.
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
he was Irish, I had to have sex with him.
Your ex spoke highly of your penis and it’s skill. I’m interested in learning more about it ;-)
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
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