forget your mom, you can see her anytime. A one night stand only happens ONE night.
Puking blue powerade in mcdonalds parking lot to the applause of the guy taking out the trash with man in the mirror blasting in the background. Good morning stl
The brown eye won't let me do that either.
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
On a scale of your daily life to smuggling crack into the DR, how illegal is it?
You didn't act like you were blacked out yesterday...
I didn't know
I didnt realize how badly my legs were scratched up from power-fucking him in the bushes until kate dumped a bottle of vodka on me. that shit burnedddd
it's my favorite when the couple downstairs are having sex so loud that i feel like I'm part of a threesome
second-hand sex is fun, isn't it?
Saw 2 lesbians fist fighting outside the bar tonight. I was startled yet slightly turned on
Seriously I can't get a booty call for some baked goods.
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
Personally, I'm gonna be Sexy Dobby the House Elf.
as I was leaving in the morning with his clothes on his roommate pops up and goes 'don't you dare steal that shirt, i gave it to him for his birthday'.
Throwing up while listening to NPR because I’m trying to adult through this hangover
If waffles and beer don't scream "fuck me!" then I don't know what else to do.
Randomize
