I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
Dude there are two smokin hot chicks laying outside my apartment...I almost want to tell them theyre laying where I threw up last night
U should. Its a good ice breaker
dude, boobs are like the porridge in goldylocks
Wheres my "thanks for using birth control effectively and not contributing to the downfall of society" card.
I'm taking a new approach to homewrecking... for science. Or I totally would. I have to see what happens between my ex & his brother when he finds out.
I definitely did a line of something I don't know with a Pagan biker. I make good decisions.
It was like being fucked by the god of thunder, he gained power from the storm. I took a Plan B because I don't think regular birth control will stop Thor's sperm.
bring the dog... nobody goes to jail with a dog.
Please come and kill me with a brick you dont even have to be nice about it just smash myfucking skull in this is the worst hangover ive had for at least a week
I'm trying to get laid this Halloween, not inspire the next season of AHS
Let's put it this way. Mom is bringing me a new shirt and I smell like lube.
Currently eating a pop tart in my underwear waiting for the washer. Not one of my prouder moments.
you need to drop off my dinner before you go see him because i'm not gonna wait until you're finished fucking him to get my damn chinese food
So I'm buying milk, bread, yogurt & lube. Not awkward at all
Basic items
I was trying to be good but he showed up with dinner and wine and I exploded. Like a bomb. A dirty, sexy bomb
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