Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
I'm returning our mountain of beer cans, while wearing a Budweiser sweatshirt. i don't look like an alcoholic.
Dude, everyone in your family has slept with that girl. Her vagina is like the Hindu version of a Bar Mitzvah.
I was short on money so I let my roommate mase me for $60
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
Or I could hide in your trunk so you can sneak out of putt putt for sex breaks
especially when i'm drunk. his dick might as well be made of cotton candy.
Tip of the day: Don't Amazon vibrators when your WHOLE FAMILY uses your prime account. There's dildo after dildo showing up in my "Related to Items You've Viewed" category on the home page.
how early is too early to start drinking over the gilmore girls revival
its the 14th virginity that counts the most anayways
Woke up from a black out in a strangers Jeep without phone, shoes, or wallet.
DO NOT PREHEAT THE OVEN THIS MORNING! WE STARTED USING IT AS A WINE STASH AROUND MIDNIGHT.
there is puke in my bra ... again
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
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