I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
That Joe Wilson reference just earned you a blow job, Mister!
You should ask if we are margaritasing tomorrow. and yes i did just turn that into a verb
All you kept saying was "my dick ALWAYS causes problems".
There is no way I am paying you $5 apiece for pot brownies you found behind a dumpster. $2, maybe.
Congratulations, you have helped solved the mysterious disapperance of Dani's phone which was found in the munchies cabinet next to the oreos. Your reward is star power as well as a fat ass bowl of Nebula. You may proceed through the wardrobe and into Narnia for your prize.
She started howling at the moon. That was pretty much the deal breaker.
his name is devion and he has a voice like velvet and handcuffs
it's like my freshman wet dream come true
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
So I almost broadcasted the porn from my phone to the boardroom chrome cast
I told him. He hasn't said anything. Crying and holding cats is probably what is happening.
Got everyone out of my house, somehow managed to put all my lawn furniture back, puked in my sink, and cleaned it up all while black out drunk before my parents came home. Successful night.
Randomize
