I fuked that chick last night and she kept saying, "oh...oh....oh", like Bill Lumberg
so what did you do?
I did the mash I did the monster mash It was a graveyard smash!
The only thing I have to prove last night happened is a fireman's hat full of puke.
I am kinda proud of you, its like seeing my slutty baby take its first step
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
Is it just me or did a policeman park your car last night?
There's a point around the one and a half minute mark where the keg stand goes from impressive to pathetic
Hurry up and get here I'm judging myself
I just took a shower and found half a cookie melted under my boob. Please tell me there's a reason
Im eating these cheese filled pretzels. So good. Theres jizz dripping out places i didnt even know i had.
This guy punched out a light, puked in the sink, stole the mailbox, then tried to tell ME that I had to leave the party... Then his dog shit on the floor.
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
I mean she did throw a tantrum because you wouldn't let her suck your dick
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
The cat's telling me to stop taking acid, and to start doing the lords work. I'm almost 99% sure he's talking about the dark lord.
THIS CAT'S GOING TO TURN INTO A SNAKE AND KILL ME! GET OVER HERE NOW! BRING YOUR WAND.
Im experiencing the awkward moment after realizing two of my straight female friends have had sex with each other
Randomize
