i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
I'm 99% sure that for 3 hours I thought you were British. We must smoke that again.
official worst smell ever. a used condom that has gone through the dryer.
I managed to lose everything but my socks.. which stayed on all 6 times we had sex.
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Dude, someone broke the toilet seat in two, the is a pair of panties on the kitchen counter, and the entire house smells like a brewery
Nothing like puking into an empty cooler at a red light on the way to get plan b.
I had to help you off the toilet floor because you couldn't get up, then you threw your drink on the floor and just said "oh dear" really calmly.
i did nothiing wrong other than not tell that kid his whole back was covered in puke
We were walking up the stairs and I asked Dominick what floor the party was on. The cop who had just tried breaking it up was walking down the stairs, drinking a slurpee, and answered, "Third floor."
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The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
fuck you I'm eating salad I can't be drunk.
The kitchen also doubles as a screaming room after midnight as long as you have something to muffle the sound
Thanks for wearing matching bob ross shirts to the bar with me and referring to every guy as a happy little accident
My boss and I ended up at the same strip club. We both got lap dances while talking about work.
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
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