I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
Karaoke makes my soul die one wretched song at a time
dude you made out with his girlfriend and stole his credit card to buy more drinks
well when you put it that way, I sound like a terrible person
I just watched a girl use a tall boy Coors as a rolling pin to make christmas cookies
When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
Are you having sex right now? Or is the apt just swaying rhythmically on its own? Either way, awesome.
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
I've had three separate encounters with cops in the last 9 hours.... In two different states
Honestly, if you can handle putting socks on you can handle a condom.
The ecstacy made me so dehydrated I started licking condensation off car windows
I just used my vibrator to scratch my back. This being single shit is for the birds
Was i rolling around in a parking lot last night
I'm noticing I drink less and do fewer lines when I do both together.
Now that's what I call smart money management.
I hate being the first one to text him all the time...I feel like Iook desperate to get laid when the reality is that im just really horny and he has a/c...
Bro, I was just laying in bed with this girl and her boyfriend came an woke me up
Randomize
