last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
sitting in class between the roommates of the two girls i fucked over break. this feels like a bad version of wife swap
The mystery has been solved. Seagulls have sex doggy-style.
Just pulled over to throw up in a day care parking lot while the kids were outside playing. The adults were mortified.
So I am just swinging blind here, but I am guessing that blood in your sinus is not ideal
Showering in my swimsuit in hopes of getting the beer smell out.
The leasing office is hiring, so I gave them my resume and class schedule. I doubt they'll call me considering last summer at their "exotic animal" pool party I marched in with a funnel and demanded the employees chug. I doubt they've forgotten.
Do not deep throat a rocket pop, it WILL go into your lungs, and you may die.
Chill out, I'm getting ready as fast as I can. I didn't even masturbate in the shower.
I kind of want to throw a lot of things at him. Mostly blunt, heavy objects.
We are in Florida for 3 days. The people in charge of shit brought: a waffle maker, a cheese grater and a SEWING MACHINE
AND NO VODKA
I have just found the cubicle of sustenance. And I will rejoice at all the families that have not found this magic. This vodka cubicle of magic.
I'm gonna go ahead and say I love our drinking habits but anytime we roundhouse a 750 of Schnapps on the way to a non competitive bowling league we might have problems
I spent the whole ride asking the cabbie if people ever have sex back there, and if he wanted me to make that number one higher.
We were having sex and he started doing some weird swivel move. I was like wtf and he said sorry just trying to pop my knee.
Randomize
