So you refered to him as "monster dick"...not so much
Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
today's thought: if you're naming your fb album "wEdDiNg dAy!!!!!!" you're too young to get married
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
Memorial weekend is going to be amazeballs. Jungle juice, drunk guys, and my vagina being stimulated by the vibrations of a 4 wheeler. I mean there is no way that can go wrong.
Just caught my dad doing coke in my bathroom again. Guess whose getting a new car for christmasss.
I think I sprained my soul last night
The girl that works the front desk at my gym invited me and my friend to come see her Tuesday during her shift at hooters because its her birthday. I still have a boner
Tried to dodge fire in poncho. Fell through fence. Blood everywhere.
he kept opening the car door while we were ON THE HIGHWAY and insisting he could walk. next time i drive my boss home at 3am i'm putting the child lock on
Yeah, I only wore tennis shoes under the gown. Way cooler than khakis and a shirt, but much more awkward when my parents wanted to go to dinner immediately after the ceremony and my grandmother started to unzip the gown. Stopped her before it was too late, but barely. My dad just rolled his eyes.
When nipples stop being hilarious I'll stop getting them out in public.
I feel like every man should aspire to get a blowjob from a sword swallower.
How did delivering mac n cheese to my drug dealer become a two hour outing?
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