I'm not looking forward to the waking up early part. Or actually the wedding part. Or the reception part. But I am looking forward to the meaningless sex with some random guy I meet at the reception part.
So my roomate was sunbathing this morning on the porch with a sock covering his penis
Sounds like a really classy character....
He is classy. It was argyle.
woke up with food on the counter from chipotle, taco bell, green cactus, and on the border take out. explain?
you were trying to get this Spanish chick to sleep with you. you were showing her how much you "loved her native food."
Just coerced a Santa to buy me a handle. Tis the season.
I shouldn't have to thank you for taking off your captain hat off before we had sex
I just power smoked 3 bongs, ate hot cocoa mix before making hot cocoa, and realized James Spader's character on The Office reminds me of your mom.
i am an animal i am literally locking myself in my house and not coming out for a week i don't deserve to be in public
Circle jerk is a real thing. It looks like five innocent virgins in a closet at my brother's bar mitzvah. Yeah, I walked in on that.
Yeah I had this grand plan to bring flaming dr pepper shots to some girls and say "these shots are hot, but not as hot as you" but instead I lit the bar on fire
Some people dream of being astronauts others dream of having genitalia that shines like Edward Cullen in the sun
I'd rather blow Nickelback than be told he gave me gonorrhea. I'd even post it on Facebook for all of the world to like, share, and judge me.
I'll be home soonish I need 4th of July sex, it's the American thing to do.
I have a bottle of vodka wrapped in a leg warmer in my purse. This is what it takes to get through Christmas with my family.
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
Someone who makes you cum so hard that you have an asthma attack is clearly your soulmate
Randomize
