They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
I smelled like jager and penis. The only cure was a pack of camels and plan b.
life just isnt the same w/o real world cancun
Where are you and why am I suddenly responsible for your taquitos?
Oh my Christ. I just came so hard my penis stood back up and took a bow afterwards. I need Thai food.
Apparently I made a stripper cry last night when I paid her $10 to go away
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
I can only use one eye at a time. And if I want to listen, I have to close both of them.
The shit I just took was four, very distinct colors. Jager night was a success
You kept running up to married couples, taking their pictures and begging for them not to get divorced
I still owe him the card with all the sperm paper cutouts falling out like glitter saying " sorry you can't hold your load. Better luck next time "
I sewed up my pants, stole his girlfriends white shirt, and went to work hungover like a responsible adult.
I'm sorry, the person you're trying to reach is WAYYY too high to deal with this right now.
I'm just now starting to feel better... I remembered sleeping on the floor. I was peeing and saw his rug and it looked so comfy
I fought a guy last night because he said "extra pulp orange juice is the best orange juice"
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